Sunday, March 10, 2013

I am The Offensive-Man

If I was a superhero, or in this case maybe a super villain, I would most definitely be The Offensive-Man. I seem to have a superhuman ability to offend and piss people off. And to be honest, I don't really care about people getting some serious rectal rash over what I say/write/do. Take it from Master Yoda:

That being said, holy fucking hell people! Over a year and 600+ blog entries later you still manage to get all worked up? I guess the force truly is strong in me and I should take this as an accomplishment. As a friend wrote to me yesterday, "Sometimes I'm not sure what's more entertaining; your blog or the morons commenting on it". Unfortunately I was actually too busy having fun and getting hammered to participate on the shitstorm that ensued. I can see you guys have been some busy goddamn beavers though. At first I thought I'd answer to each and every of the comments, but lets be honest: that's too much trouble, so I'll just compile a little "Best of" on this post instead.

Now, as my hangover has passed and I have a cold, delicious beer next to me, lets get comfy. Ladies and Gentlemen, the Captain has now turned on the Fasten Seat Belt sign. Please take your seat and fasten your seat belt. Make sure your seat back and folding trays are in their full upright position. Please turn off your mobile. Oh, and smoke'em if you got'em, it's gonna be a bumpy ride. Here we go:


"Jani, this has nothing to do with women, but is your attitude towards people really like that?"

Yes, my attitude towards people truly is like that, meaning that I think I - and everyone else- should be able to make fun about everything and everyone. 

"Like, you're a fucking tired smalltown guitarist. Now have a nice warm cup of shut the fuck up and get me my album you dick :)"

I'm working on my small album in my small town with my small guitar and even smaller talent. But we have this saying in Finland, "Kiirehtimällä ei tule kuin kusipää lapsia". Someone can probably translate that :)

"How would it feel if I thought of you like that?"

Honestly? I couldn't care less. Why should it matter to me what you or anyone else thinks of me? I know who and what I am, and that's good enough for me. I think in general people waste waaaay too much time and energy worrying about what other people think. 

"Do you even realize this makes you sound like you're looking down at your fans who might be waiters, waitresses etc, and not as goddamn glamorous as you obviously think you are? D:"

No offence, but I look down on everyone, and the person I look down on the most is yours truly. There is and never has been anything glamorous about the trainwreck that is my life, but as it is what it is I might as well try to have some fun with it :) And for the record, I absolutely LOVE waitresses, they serve me my alcohol and sometimes even food. I know a lot of waiters and waitresses, it kinda comes with a territory in my line of work, and they are in general a wonderful bunch of people. Keep on fighting the good fight, my beer-serving friends!


"Oh for crying out loud...ever considered that he is just sarcastic and might be joking"

What gave me away? :)


"I can also think of other idiotic comments like: "Celebrate, girls, for the rest of the year is ours." "

I saw a bunch of these comments as well, the level of retardedness closing in on "Epic". 

Bill Giovis:

"its like saying women cant play guitar witch is bullshit women can get just as good as men"

Or better, just look at Jennifer Batten for instance :)

Magda C:

"I knew it, you're gay :)"

I wish. As someone once said "I'd love to be gay, as I think taking a cock up the ass is a small price to pay for being in a relationship where what I say is understood exactly as I meant it and is not twisted and perverted by looking for a subtext that is not there to begin with." Or something along those lines :) Unfortunately I'm a raging heterosexual :)


I was watching Californication and I just have to add this here:

I am so fucking straight right now! :D


"And to you Jani: what would you think if someone shot either one of your nieces in her head, all because she wanted to go to school? This happened to a Pakistani girl and it makes me feel glad to be born in a free western country where I could get a decent education without having to face such consequences"

Whoa, to quote Ron Burgundy: "Boy, that escalated quickly". I would probably be pretty sad and pissed off if someone shot my niece, but how the hell is this relevant here? I was just making a joke and now we're already shooting people in the head? Granted, it's sad what is going on around the globe, but I ain't here to save the world, I'm here just to make music and raise some hell. I have enough problems of my own to start crying over things I cannot change or affect in any way. Lots of people suffer -that's right, PEOPLE, not women-, and I do feel for them, but shit if I can help it. 

Well, when I'm the president... :)

Heavvymetalqueen: (sic)

"Memorial days are there for a reason."

Tru dat, you dyslectic little moniker :) AFAIK I never said anything to the contrary. I have absolutely nothing against International Women's Day, or against women for that matter, I was only making a fucking joke :)

"But that doesn't mean I'm gonna stop my little fight, and that definitely doesn't mean I'm gonna take some random dude saying women are all cunts laying down."

I sincerely hope you're not referring to me as the "random dude". Not because I would actually care, but because it would mean that after all that quite eloquent commentary you provided you would've still missed the point. Not ONCE did I say women are all cunts lying down. If I make a joke and use the "c" word in conjunction with your gender it doesn't mean I think all women are cunts. Chill the fuck out, it could've beee worse. I could've said "nigger" :)

"You know, it's a real shame when you have to ruin everything you do with this childish, ridiculous sexist bullshit."

Once again, it was a fucking joke :) I just happen to find sexist jokes are pretty damn funny. If you have issues with my sense of humour you are clearly reading a wrong blog. I would recommend some more politically correct one for you, but unfortunately I don't know any :)

"I've been trying to give you another chance dude"

A chance for what?

"Sooner or later all the people who aren't your drooling idiotic fanboys are gonna figure out you're just a little, bitter man with very little to add to the table."

That is probably very true. I don't think I am particularly bitter, and I have absolutely no clue about what I can actually bring to the table. I just do my shit, try to have fun while doing it and maybe, just maybe entertain some people in the process as well. My biggest dream in life would be to get some idiotic drooling fangirls as well, as contrary to what seems to be a popular belief here, I am actually not a misogynistic piece of shit. Just a plain piece of shit.

"Grow the fuck up." 

Never! That would probably kill what little creativity I have left in me, and also ruin my boyish charm :)

"You're smarter than this, or at least you've studied enough not to call women cunts ON A FEMINIST MEMORIAL DAY"

Maybe I thought my readers would be smarter than this? I didn't call women cunts, I just made a joke containing the word cunt. Granted, it was somewhat sexist of a joke, but joke nevertheless. Not in a million years would've I thought people would get so fucking riled up over it. To be honest, I didn't think people would care so much about what I write. Clearly I was wrong.

"Stop acting like everything is a joke, because sooner or later you'll be the joke. Or maybe you already are."

Everything IS a joke to me, call it a survival mechanism if you will, and the biggest joke of all since day one has been Yours Truly. You have to be able to laugh at everything, since if you don't, where do we draw the line? Who gets to choose and say at which things are we allowed to laugh at and at which things we are not? And always, ALWAYS be the first one to laugh at yourself. I laugh at myself on a daily basis and I'm pretty sure other people laugh at me as well. And you know what? That's ok, because I am just-that-ridiculous :)

"Start respecting women, start respecting PEOPLE, before everybody leaves you behind like the immature douchebag you act like. "

I do respect women, just as much as I respect men. I don't discriminate, I hate everyone equally. It's even the name of this blog, in case you missed it :)

"You were making a fair point on the almost lost meaning of this day." 

No, actually I was not, I was only making a joke. Granted, sometimes I can include some semi-witty social commentary in my otherwise incoherent ramblings, but this was not one of those times.


"Perhaps Jani you should look into the struggles that women still have to face all over the world"

And why exactly should I do this? Just because someone in the internets got butthurt over a joke I made? I get it that it can probably be difficult to be a member of the prettier sex (was that offensive as well? Am I allowed to say "prettier" in this context or is it sexist and oppressive?), but I am, to paraphrase, "just a fucking tired smalltown guitarist" who is not out to save and change the world. I'm only here for shits and giggles.


"you're a real Finnish idiot."

No objections here, never claimed otherwise.

"I'm sorry, but even a good joke has its limits and your jokes are getting disguisting."

I can't argue with matters of taste, but I do disagree with you on the opinion that jokes have limits. If my brand of humour appals you you are probably better off reading something a little less offensive than a pathetic little blog of a real Finnish idiot :)

"You're pathetic."

And sad, don't forget sad.

Queen Maargo:

"btw, do you call your mother a 'cunt' too?"

No, I usually just call her "mom". Why?


"What a shitstorm of crazy people here...chill the fuck out, it was a goddamn joke!"

And we have a winner!


"A joke isn't funny if it's in poor taste. Sorry, Jani, but I'm with your critics on this one."

Can't really debate the matter of taste, as it is subjective to people. I don't the mind critique, I've come to the conclusion that if everyone agrees with me I'm probably doing something wrong.


"But everybody how they think and since this is a public blog everybody can tell Jani their opinion about his posts..."

And they do! That's the beauty of it :)


"That's the cowardly way out -- being a vicious little cunt all the fucking time and when someone actually calls you out on that, pretending that it's all a joke and blame others for not understanding your sophisticated sense of humour."

I get your point my man (?), but here's the deal: Is it still cowardly if it actually IS a joke? It most certainly is not sophisticated, but is is humour nevertheless. Wouldn't it be cowardly not to stand behind the fact that it actually was a joke, nothing more nothing less? I ain't gonna apologise just because someone doesn't like my particular sense of humour. If someone has a problem with what I write or what I find funny they can probably just type some other URL in their browser. It's as simple as that.

"Yeah, just make a joke out EVERYTHING and you can conveniently wash your hands out of it"

I think I've established already quite clearly that I DO make a joke out of everything. I'm not washing my hands out of it, it's just how I am. I'm not gonna pretend something is more than a joke if for me it actually is  just that.

"That way you'll never need to take responsibility for your words or engage in a discussion or challenge your thinking. Hiding behind a veil of sarcasm is so much easier than showing the real you."

What fucking responsibility? Responsibility for making a joke? Give me a fucking break here dude. There was no discussion to be engaged here, just me writing some shit I found funny. If someone wants to engage in a meaningful conversation or challenge my thinking they are more than welcome to do it, I actually encourage it, but please don't come here whining about "veil of sarcasm" and all that shit when this blog clearly is mostly a place for entertainment, which in my case is mostly sarcasm. If you don't happen to find it entertaining there are plenty of other websites to browse through. Some of them even have pictures of cats. CATS!

Oh, and someone asked about the blog name. It's still from "Californication", Hank Moody is the fucking man :) I think I actually explained this in one of the first, if not the first post I ever made.

Man this has taken a long time to type down, mainly because copying and formatting text with Blogger SUCKS ASS! But I did it, and now I'll have a beer and laugh at myself. Feel free to join or get the fuck out :)


  1. "You're pathetic."

    And sad, don't forget sad.

    HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAA You are the best.

    1. I think the same :P
      This post has been very instructive.
      Btw Jani, yes, I'm a moron like said your friend but I have a lot of fun reading your blog and for me that´s ok.

  2. My thought when I saw 50 comments on your womens day post:
    Must grab popcorn....

  3. Jani! you can overcome it! naah
    I really don't know if reading those comments made me laugh or gave me progeria, but definitely I saw a bunch of people that don't understand you sense of humor and get pissed off by their own moral.

    btw I used your transcription of "Blinded No More" solo for a video that I made :)

  4. Too many moralfags in a blog for fun.

  5. Well, is if fucked up of me to actually (dis)agree with almost everyone? I mean, on the one hand, I'm a Wollstonecraft level feminist and I can relate to ALL the defensive comments. I take no crap from anybody and if I'm called a 'cunt' for standing my fucking ground, SO FUCKING BE IT, I don't really mind, I can think of better adjectives to fight back. My beliefs of myself won't be affected by what some douches joke or "joke" about...

    On the other hand, I guess I just took it like a -very distasteful, though- comment, and I didn't take it personal, LET ALONE SERIOUSLY (stopped taking this blog like that from the third day I started following it, tbh :P) and I won't even discuss my sense of humour because of reasons...

    P.S. Another guitarist I adore is Lori Linstruth, oh my!! [too bad she's not playing :/]

  6. Do not listen to those people, they are just ignorant.

  7. Possibly one of my favorite posts that you've wrote. It's hilarious, really reminds me of a thread called "Gallery of Dumbasses" from a forum I was on YEARS ago.

    Also, heavvymetalqueen is an obsessed SA fangirl that has a serious hatred of Cain's Offering for no real reason and refuses to allow people to have opinions that are different to her own. Just saying from experience browsing the #sonata arctica tumblr tag.

    1. I think I know who she is on the SA forum too, and yeah ! She is way TOO obsessed by SA. And when tried to explained herself, she just said people couldn't understand her just because they were not as much fan as her. She were angry at Jani because on her mind, he could have make SA disband completly. It's not like SA had disband. And even if it would have acutally. Life is cruel sometime, nothing is eternal, shit happen and grow up little girl.

    2. What's her SA's forum's nick? =D

    3. Just thought i'd jump in here to say that she also has a hatred of Mikko Harkin for no reason.

    4. Well, considering all the hating I do in this blog I guess I have to say she's entitled to her on little way of hatred, to each her own. No harm, no foul :)

    5. Excuse me. Heavvymetalqueen is one of the nicest people in the Sonata Arctica fandom. She's passionate and she cares. I find it incredibly sad that a person with a lot of heart is being ridiculed in defence of a guy who's obviously not been hurt by her words.

      If you're reading this, hmq, you've got my support.

    6. HMQ is also my friend, she's not the longest standing SA fan I know, but we ain't fighting about our different views (the differences can be radical). Sadly I've met far crazier, and heard of the idiocy in SA forum, so...

      But, seriously, if people get offended by someone ie. just burping at their direction, what the hell are they doing there and most of all, in this blog? Sheesh... I'm off to my arts, have a nice evening ^^

  8. people need to chill its only a joke at least he didn't say bitch make me a sandwich

  9. Well. Imagine you met Yngwie Malmsteen (just an example) or any other musician you appreciate but are not friend with once or twice and you think he is not only a very talented musician, he also seems to be really nice and funny. And suddenly he says something that really pisses you off. Your first reaction might be: "Huh, WTF???"
    Maybe that's what happended yesterday.

    Sad though that you seem to care so little about people's feelings (and no, I'm not talking about yesterday's joke now or what anyone thinks about you). But well, that's you, I'm different.

    Anyway. Interesting that some people here call other people to shut up just because they don't go all the time like "Jani is the best and the cleverest and the funniest, blah". You know, I can love his music and stuff and still don't need to agree on everything he says...

    Whatsoever. If I stopped immediately everything that annoys me I wouldn't talk to people anymore at all, nor browse the internet, watch movies or go to work. :)
    So let's see, maybe I manage to enjoy the funny jokes here and block out the not-so-funny-in-my-taste once. :)

    1. Contrary to an other popular belief here, I actually do care about people's feelings. And by feelings I mean genuine, important feelings, not when some little wanker gets pissed and "offended" because of some joke I made. Those little pricks can go fuck themselves with a cheese grinder. Life sucks, get a fucking helmet,ok? :)

      Btw, I've heard that Yngwie can be a REALLY difficult person, probably even worse than me. Of course this is all hear-say, and it doesn't make a licking fucking difference. The guy is still a legend and was a huge inspiration for me back in the day.

    2. Glad to hear that then and sorry for me being wrong about that. Just got the impression. For example because you mentioned you don't care if people get offended by what you say/write/do which sounded to me that you don't care at all if you hurt people or not. It just sounded rough to me, that's all.
      I seem to have a great talent for misunderstanding you. :)

    3. Don't get me wrong, I don't care if people get offended by my sayings or doings, what I meant is that I don't intentionally go out of my way to piss people off. Apparently I don't even need to, just being me seems to be more than enough to bring some guys piss to a boil.

      Don't worry about misunderstanding, you are definitely not the only one :)

  10. Normaly, I don't like that much that quote but, it just fits so well.. '' Haters gonna hate''

  11. Hahaha, normally I don't comment much to people's blogs and been reading this one silently, but this time I had to make an exception and say: Man, people are stupid! Had the best laughs of the day, thanks! (not to mention all your blog posts are awesome). Let's continue to hate everyone.

    Ps. Was it you in Civil Cervant center Lapinjärvi in 2007? I was there, 08/2007.

    1. Thanks :) I was in Lapinjärvi briefly, but I can't remember when it was for the life of me...

  12. Fair enough. Take your time with the album, I'll be waiting. Your mother and father must've been in a hell of a hurry with you though :) And thanks for the suggestion, I think I'll indeed go look at pictures of CATS.

    In a way I do get your point (thanks for actually bothering to explain) but if everything's just a joke here... it's not that I can't take a joke, but it's like looking a motherfucking ironic hipster -- everything's superficial, nothing's genuine, so where's the beef? I guess it's just not for me then, k thx bai.

    Just please don't assume everyone's been reading this blog for a long time and familiar with the kinks of your thinking. You're bound to get misunderstood, and if someone can't read your complex twisted mind instantly, it doesn't mean they're dumb. I'm not sure if you entirely grasp the idea of "Niin metsä vastaa niin kuin sinne huudetaan", but well it's not my problem :)

    BTW... you should totally grow out your natural colour, get a Jeremy Renner haircut and start wearing more blue, it would bring out your eyes. Just saying :)

    1. Hahahahaha!!! If he gets to look like Jeremy Renner then I fall in love (ñaaaaaaaam)

    2. Just one question, who the fuck is Jeremy Renner? My mother and father were probably in a terrible hurry, as I turned out to be quite an asshole, but then again that's just makes me funnier, almost ridiculous :)

      I wouldn't go as far as to say everything is superficial, I just think everything is fucking funny. I've been misunderstood since I can remember, and my cynicism and particular blend of sarcastic remarks has gotten me in trouble more than once. I don't stress over it though, if people don't get it they don't get it. It doesn't make them dumb, it just means that we are probably not on the same wavelenght. I am very familiar with the Finnish proverb you mentioned, and believe you me, the forrest has shouted me back, sometimes with a defeaning scream. And that's fine by me, at least I got a reaction, sometimes even erection :)


      Seriously dude, you've been rocking the same look for what, 16 years? Freshen up, you'd look swell, I can almost guarantee you'd get... reactions :)

      Gotta hand it to you -- your misanthropy might be off-putting, but at least you're smart and feisty as fuck. Can't remember the last time a guy stood up and yapped back at me AND actually made sense. (Yep, this is the same chick who called you a smalltown guitarist and whined about the veil of sarcasm. I rest my case, you won.)

    4. Oh, so that's him. I think I've seen him in something insignificant enough for me not to remember it. Freshening up probably wouldn't be such a bad idea, but seriously, that hairdo? Combine that do with my gigantic skull and you'll have yourselves a real live Mr. Potatohead.

      Also, I don't think there are any winners or losers here, but I'll take what you said as a compliment. Also, to end this on a high note for a change, let me compliment you on your writing, would not have guessed you were a Finn. (Which I assume you are, given your knowledge of Finnish proverbs).

  13. [Have to go anon this time] To be fair, at least your answer about Women's Day wasn't like certain singer of a certain EPIC_ Dutch band: "I am not a racist. I love burritos, churrascarias, chicken panang, kaese spaetzle, hot dogs and more." ROFL

    Thanks for that! XD

  14. Come on, secretly we all enjoy the heated debate based only on subjective views with no real substance. It's kinda like watching a car crash: It's pretty gross and disgusting, but still you can't turn away :)

  15. This thing got really out of hand, made me feel embarrassed to be a humanbeing with a vajajay. I really don't understand those people who said that you don't care about anyone. Only by reading your blogposts I've seen that Jani is very loyal to his friends and that's all that matters. Hopefully people will chill the balls out from now on. Maybe I'm one of those "crazy fangirls/boys" now because I do not hate you from what you said. :)

    1. I've also noticed the loyalness when it comes to his friends. I can still remember how he stood up for his girlfriend in July I think. The post was called Fuck you people or something like that. I suggest you read that. It tells you how much he actually cares about people close to him.

  16. We can joke about all... if you don't find that funny go away! It's his blog no?

  17. 1 day for the ladies, and 364 for the gentlemen. It seems fair to me. (for the furious ones : this is a joke!)

  18. Gente grave everywhere -.-
    Saludos Jani <3!

  19. WHOA!
    Been away for a while, and no internet.
    Seems like I missed the biggest shit-storm ever occured!
    (strange enough, I think I won't regret this!)

    I'm too lazy to read through the whole damn thing, but strictly seems to me like Jani joking on Woman's Day, trolls being offended and shitting all over the place (God bless freedom of speech, nay?), Jani re-joking trolls.

    It's really a classic of internet blog/forums. It's like having an incident while riding a bike: you don't know when, but you sure know it will come.

    1. I'm actually sad I kinda missed out on it as well. I was heavily intoxicated on Friday and I think I could've really thrown some fuel into those flames, but unfortunately my Blogger app for some reason doesn't let me comment on posts. Used to be able to do it earlier, but something has gotten fucked up apparently.

      Well, I still got to enjoy it the morning after, so no harm, no foul.

    2. I'll tell you what: it was destiny preventing you from getting more intoxicated, without taking away some moderate dose of fun after the rain had fallen.
      Truly appreciated Yoda's picture though. :D

  20. your jokes are funny, why the people make so much noise with a joke but never care to read the name of the pages that they are reading? in spanish, we call them "arenosos"

  21. I have made up my mind: from now on, I shall treat everything as a joke, hate everyone equally, and push off every single insult I receive in life. Works for Jani, I mean look at him! He has a hella lotta fun with that way of life. If it works for him, it should work for all of us. And Jani, your blog rocks!! :)